how to read shattered heart:

Red text is commentary made by the present day me, age 22. Black text is copied and pasted from the various Livejournals I kept between 2001 and 2007. Post titles indicate the original posting date of the black text.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

[09 Jan 2002|08:38pm]

[I will miss your friendship]
[I want you to know that this is not an attempt at getting you back ] [simply my mad ramblings, my true thoughts]

I am feeling?
Loss of [self respect?]
Feeling [used]
Feeling [embarrassed] because I believed?

[I try not to care about your feelings, but one thing I know for sure is that I want [you know who you are, dollface]to be happy xXx she means the world to me and always will/make her happy/be in love.]

Xx ?I just thought you should know? xX

< / extra poignant punctuation >

p.s. i think this was about my internet boyfriend

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

[26 Jun 2004|08:18pm]

[music|the streets - dry your eyes]
i gotta cute new dress.
and a ridiculous amount of freckles. kill them.

also, i dumped a bucket of bleach on an old english sheepdog and took a photo of it. so, here's that.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

[05 Mar 2003|11:01pm]

I'm going to try to resurrect this dead blog because I feel it's necessary to exploit the tons of overemotional teen gems still contained in the pages of my old LJs. What better way to start it up again than with some epic poetry written back in good ol' 2003? Context is:
-age 15
-"dating" a dude i'd just met/never touched/was too scared to call
-had never touched a cigarette in my life
-had no betrayal in my recent past, therefore this poem is based on absolutely nothing.

A+ for phrasing, right?

you're lovely when you stutter.
so you know it's all your fault.
and you know you'll never
sleep again.
but you're telling me it's my burden
and you're touching your face.
and it's giving you away.
and when you turn your lovely back on me,
you'll hate yourself for trying.
and i'll try to hate you for your cigarette smell
and your breath that tastes of betrayal.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

[23 Mar 2003|04:15pm]

hopefully this entry will give you a mental image of my impeccable taste in clothing at age 15. please note that socks were NEVER worn to match (intentional) and the "bicycle chain" was hung from the front to the back belt loop of my blue cuordoroy flared pants from le chateau. also - nirvana hoodie? where the fuck is that shit now?

[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | saves the day :: nightingale. ]
oh god there's nothing like retail therapy.
i went out to this market thinger today with my dad and bought:
-a new kilt, it's tan coloured, pleated, short as fuck, it has a little chain and all. mucho fucking hot.

-black mesh top, it's all asymetrical cut like whoa. it's hot.

-3 new pairs of over the knee socks: black and gray stripes, thick black and white stripes, white, pink & blue plaid.
- nirvana hoodie
-green & yellow zip up hoodie, so fucking cute.
-bicycle chain for my pants.
YEAH AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GONE TO LONDON YET..THAT'S TOMORROW. all day by myself shopping around. [shrug] should be interesting. i want to convince my dad to let me get doc marten boots. [evil grin] anywhore. i heart the shopping. home tuesday.

[03 Apr 2003 | 06:12pm]

This is some classic teenage poetry, written in April 2003 (age 15). i don't really think any commentary is needed other than holy shit i really liked adjectives.

[ mood | blank ]
[ music | alexisonfire - 44 caliber love letter ]

the deepest red

so ring all the bells and
set off the fire alarms.
declare this war against your favourite four letter lie.
you'll be detonating your deepest red bombs by midnight,
the same shade as the barely-there rings of lipstick still lingering
around the rims of your most precious champagne glasses.
and they'll pretend to explode while you mouth
your pretty sound effects.
and didn't you paint the inside of your head
a sickening blonde?
meant to match the few strands still left on your sweater.
but i bet she never told you
she was really a brunette.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

2002-12-14 11:49:00

i thought a good way to start off a blog where i post old excerpts from the internet was with a livejournal post in which i did the same. this post was made in 2002 but recalls a time in my life when i was taking my first wobbly steps into the online world. according to myself, age 13, the conversation posted must have occurred in the year 2000. although it was actually between my brother and father, i think it sets the right tone for this blog and introduces my young self in a way i never could in my own words. here, i'll help you out a bit by setting up the ambiance:

imagine you are a 9 year old boy, sitting in the air conditioned basement of your parents' house. the internet is running at the lightening speed of 14.4 kb/s and your older sister has recently introduced you to the coolest new program: AOL. she has informed you that you can use it to procure internet friends and partake in "chats." in the background are the sweet sounds of the backstreet boys' seminal album, Millenium. after briefly disconnecting from the internet to check your phone messages, you restart AOL only to find that your father, sitting only a few rooms away, has added you to his buddy list. the rest is history....

"lmfao oh fucking man.
i was just clearing out some space on this computer, and it used to belong to my brother and i. and i found an AIM conversation that my brother saved when he was NINE years old (i was 11) between him and my dad (we'd just gotten aim and wanted my dad to try it.)
honestly..this is the funniest thing i've read in a hell of a long time. read it or miss out.

kilderkin1: Hi Calum
Calum28: Hi Dad!
Calum28: :-):-):-)
Calum28: ;-);-);-)
Calum28: :-(:-(:-(
kilderkin1: :-):-(;-)
kilderkin1: :oP
kilderkin1: :-)
Calum28: IROCK
kilderkin1: No you don't
Calum28: YES I DO

Calum28: I DO SO
Calum28: I ROCK
Calum28: I ROCK
Calum28: So much
kilderkin1: You're talking to yourself. First sign
of madness.
Calum28: yer mean
kilderkin1: Go and do something useful. Like
helping Mum in the back yard.
Calum28: NO

kilderkin1: lazy so and so
Calum28: lol
kilderkin1: How come you have so many
Calum28: I dunno
kilderkin1: You mean "I don't know"? Speak
English man
Calum28: Na
Calum28: No
Calum28: brb
Calum28: im back
Calum28: Whats kilderkin1 spost to mean?
Calum28: Hi Sam
Calum28: :-):-):-):-):-)
Calum28: lol
Calum28: Sam?
Calum28: are you there Sam?
Calum28: lol
Calum28: ;-);-);-)
kilderkin1: Who's Sam?
Calum28: I looked at you directory info and it
sais your name is Sam
Calum28: Hi sam
kilderkin1: Look again
Calum28: what thats not your name?
Calum28: oh
Calum28: i know your name
Calum28: Sam is short for Samantha
Calum28: Hi Samantha
kilderkin1: Try again
Calum28: I did
Calum28: so i suspect yer name is Samantha
kilderkin1: Did you check?
Calum28: Yep
Calum28: Can I meet yer son?
Calum28: Hes a bit younger than me
Calum28: im 10
Calum28: hes 9
kilderkin1: You're a bad liar
Calum28: exuse me?
Calum28: I will warn you in a sec
kilderkin1: I'll spank you
Calum28: i dont take language like that sir
Calum28: And if your wondering
Calum28: I dont cyber
Calum28: sorry
kilderkin1: It's not language. It's a promise.
kilderkin1: What's cyber?
Calum28: You know
Calum28: have sex inline
Calum28: and i dont
Calum28: sorry
Calum28: online
kilderkin1: How do you know about this?
Calum28: or
Calum28: Liv
kilderkin1: Then you're both banned. Switch
off the internet now.
Calum28: no
Calum28: i didnt do anything"
this blog will be a collection of excerpts from my livejournals from the years 2001-2006 (ages 13-18) with commentary by my 21 year old, current self. the qualities of my young self that i will mostly be ruminating on/questioning within the blog are the following:

-my beyond crazed obsession with the internet
-my apparent determination to be as "weird," "kooky," and "alternative" as humanly possible
-my frequent (pathological?) lying
-my ability to involve myself in relationships with people on the internet as though they were in my real life..and do this WHILE dating people in real life
-my belief that it was possible to fall in love with someone, be it over the internet or in real life, within a period of approx. two days
-my devastation when week long internet relationships ended
-my remarkable ability to pick myself back up from said "heartbreaks" and begin obsessing over several new love interests within mere hours.

i hope that you will find these as comical, and assume that you will find them as embarassing as i do.